STORY CORNER: DIARY OF AN ABUSED LOVER (CHAPTER 5)

3rd February 2016

So much hard work, planning and practice…gone down the drain. I can’t stop crying! I am so mad him but even more at myself. What should I tell everyone? They were rooting for me so much! I’ll have to pretend that I was successful and pray I find a job in the meantime. If my family and friends find out, I’ll never hear the end of it. I haven’t had an official decision yet (I’ll hear in around a fortnight), but I know I’ve blown it. I had the same panel as last time, but rather than looking impressed like before, they just appeared disappointed, especially the woman in the navy blue suit. I just couldn’t answer all of the questions properly. I’m pretty sure I know who landed the role – that guy before me came out beaming.

WHY HAVE I BEEN SO STUPID???

I don’t want to see Marcus right now. I have a good idea to cancel his stupid phone contract. He hasn’t even asked me how it went. I can’t forgive him for this!

12th February 2016

Sorry Diary, but it’s really hard for me to write when I’m depressed. I’ve been putting a brave face on things and resorting to lying to everyone. My sister isn’t stupid though – she can tell something’s up. She should definitely be a detective! I really want to tell someone, but I don’t want to hear “I told you so!” And even if I don’t hear it, their body language and facial expressions would be screaming it.

Not a word have I heard from Marcus. I think I’ll go back to just calling him Train Boy. He is far from a man if he acts so childishly! Maybe that’s the reason why his previous relationships have failed. Well, I won’t allow him to drag me down any longer. He’s already wrecked the prospect of one perfectly good career. I won’t give him the opportunity to repeat it. I would delete his number if I didn’t know it by heart already.

It appears I’m single again. My parents will be happy that he’s gone. They keep saying I set my sights too low with him. And my sister doesn’t trust him.

They won’t have to see him anymore.

I won’t see him anymore.

14th February 2016

Two weeks is nearly up now and I haven’t heard anything yet from the company. It’s an awful feeling preparing yourself for the worst. I know I have messed up but to get confirmation is gonna hurt a lot. I suppose it will bring closure and end this torture. I’m so tired. I’m not sleeping properly – the dark circles under my eyes look horrible! I keep having nightmares about opening the rejection letter – it nearly always ends with me drowning in my tears and me waking up fighting for breath.

This angst has definitely helped my piano playing. It’s nice to just sit and play pieces by Bach, Chopin, Debussy and Rachmaninov and forget about things for a while. I’ll have my rejection by Wednesday 17th February 2016 latest.

Not too long to wait now.

15th February 2016

Train Boy was banging on my front door today. No one was in apart from me. I could have pretended I wasn’t there if he hadn’t heard my piano playing. I forgot he knew where I lived! Eventually I opened the door but I didn’t let him in. He appeared a little shocked and sad, but that’s his problem. Apparently he was going out of his mind with worry about my interview, but thought I might have blown it because of the day before. He didn’t know how to approach me and thought that if it had gone well, I would have contacted him. Yeah right! I told him exactly what happened and that he had ruined my chances. He looked remorseful, but I’ve seen that look at least twice before. It doesn’t mean anything!

He swears he’ll make it up to me. Heard that before as well. He’s like a broken record! He thinks his looks will solve everything. He might be good-looking but I’ve seen better and it can’t cover up his personality. I’ve told him to leave me alone. It’s the very least he can do.

Here’s to moving forward.

16th February 2016

As I thought. I’ve been rejected. All that work down the pan! I am so mad at myself! If I had just concentrated and remained focussed for a few more days instead of being fixated on the prodigal ‘lover-boy’! I am more than able to do the job at McPearson Enterprises. I can say it now – I’m not going to get any more bad news about this company. I knew it was coming but it still cuts like a knife. Now I’m right back to square one. Well, I’m not going to lie to my nearest and dearest anymore. I’ll tell them the truth. They’ll be just as disappointed as I am, but eventually they’ll get over it.

I’ll tell them tomorrow. Wish me luck – I’m gonna need it 🙁

17th February 2016

Well today was explosive. I plucked up the courage to tell my mum, dad and sister after lunch. Mum gave me the silent treatment scowling, my dad raged and I got into a huge argument with my sister (who guessed as much). They say it’s nearly all down to Marcus and that I was foolish enough to be taken in by him. Dad says he doesn’t respect me and that he treats me like a doormat. My mum and sister think he’s manipulative and that it could be weeks, possibly months before I get another interview again in this current climate. It got too much for me so I left for Auntie Rosalin’s. She’s always been so objective and she’s not as judgemental. I can talk to her about almost anything. I’m staying for a few days until I clear my head and they calm down at home.

What if they are right? What if it does take me months just to secure another interview? They are so hard to come by these days. And I am out of money. I can’t keep asking my parents – I’m a grown adult and I really want to stand on my own two feet. I feel totally dejected and useless. I can’t really afford Marcus’ phone – I was so certain I would have a job to take care of it. How would I broach the subject with him when I’m not even speaking to him? He would think it’s sour grapes! I’m going to have to find £25 a month from somewhere. Right now it will have to be out of my piano tuition fund. I had put some money aside for this no matter what but these are desperate times. I’ll have to manage on a one-hour lesson a month when I should be having at least one a week. Oh gosh – how will I ever do complete my Licentiate by next year? Everything has ground to a halt.

Everything is going wrong, but I’ll try to remain positive.

Somehow.

20th February 2016

I’m feeling in better spirits. I can’t be held down for long – I won’t allow myself to be. I’m going home in two days. I miss my parents and sister and I miss my own bed – there’s no feeling like it! I know I told Marcus to leave me alone, but it does upset me that even though I have bought him a phone, he hasn’t contacted me at all with it recently.

If he really cared, he would phone me and ask how I was doing. He didn’t even bother to ask me whether I had been accepted or rejected. I’m fed up with whining about Marcus – there’s more to my life than stupid, inconsiderate Train Boy.

I’m meeting Chantal again in a few days. I daresay she’ll have some pearls of wisdom for me. I can’t wait to see her!

 

Will our Diary writer rid herself of Marcus or get sucked back in? Find out in Chapter 6…

FAIR-WEATHER FRIENDS: HOW TO SPOT THEM…

We forge new relationships all of the time. Some are obviously closer than others. Some people stay in your life for years. Some have been permanent and dependable fixtures in your life for as long as you can remember and the relationships are still going strong.

 

Some people only stay for a short while.

But others…

They need to go…immediately!

I’m talking about fair-weather friends here. The �?friends’ who are only there when things are going well for you. The �?friends’ who are there during your calm water periods but who you won’t see for dust when your waters turn choppy.

This type of friendship is extremely hurtful and can feel like the ultimate betrayal, especially if you have known the person for many years and you have always been there for them in their times of need. You have been the one that talks to them way into the early hours of the morning, happily sacrificing sleep to make sure they are in better spirits; abandons your own priorities to help them in an emergency; offers support if they have lost a loved one or a job etc. I’m sure you can think of a great many other examples.

There is no point clinging  to such a toxic, one-sided relationship in the hopes that your friendship will eventually improve – most of the time, you will just be prolonging the disappointment and frustration. Usually, the relationship would have been dead from the start but you might not have been aware of (or didn’t want to accept) it. Don’t let it haunt you. Bury that coffin deep in the ground and move forwards.

Do you have any fair-weather friends that you need to kick to the curb? Here are some signs to look out for:

1. They are never there when times get tough

They are absent every time you are going through a spot of trouble. Breakup, loss of a relative or friend, job loss, debt, sickness etc., lead to the same outcome. In fact, their non-presence is as guaranteed as the sun rising and setting every day. Strangely enough, it is one of the only things you can depend upon them for!

2. You can’t confide in them

You realise that there is no point in spilling your secrets to your �?friend’because they wouldn’t care anyway. They never have in the past and they are too self-absorbed to accommodate you on their planet for one. Many attempts in the past have just resulted in an absent stare and body language blatantly conveying that they would be rather be anywhere than listening to you and your problems. But if you are lucky enough to get a response…

3. When you ask them for advice, they keep it short and general

If they asked you for help, you would dedicate hours to giving them helpful advice that could improve their situation and lift their spirits. Unfortunately, they will not do the same for you. Their advice is usually very clichéd, maybe one or two lines at most and too general to be worthwhile to you. They cannot be bothered to try and tailor their response to fit your circumstances.

4. They contact you only when they want a favour

You are their first port of call if they need money, to be chauffeured around, or help with something etc., even if they know if will be highly inconvenient for you. Indeed, you might even hear or see them three or four times within a day or a relatively short period! But this isn’t for the pleasure of your company – just to ensure that you haven’t forgotten about their important task (after all, it is way more important than your own life!) and to make sure that you get the job done. You usually are happy to oblige. When they have what they want, they vanish.

5. They won’t usually turn up to events unless there is something in it for them

Excuses as to why they can’t possibly attend something you invited them to roll off the tip of their tongue. That is, until the event has something that will benefit them. Maybe a person they like? Great opportunities for networking? A free bar? If they accept it is not for you, but rather an ulterior motive.

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Don’t let fair-weather friends treat you appallingly. You deserve much more than that. If they use and abuse you, then they have ultimately burnt a bridge. Don’t try to mend it – the fault is not your own. Seek genuine friendships elsewhere.

HONOURING YOUR INTUITION

Shhhh.

 

Are you listening?

Stop everything and concentrate.

What can you hear?

Your inner voice always tries to communicate with you. This voice is your friend. The most loyal and true friend you will ever have.

It lives in the pit of your stomach, advising us to do something or not to do something. To approach someone or avoid them. To stay or to flee. And so much more. It knows what’s best for you and constantly has your best interests at heart. It seeks to watch over you, protect and guide you.

Its purpose…

To preserve your interests and wellbeing.

But sometimes we don’t hear it. This can be unintentional or deliberate.

We can forget it is there, its guiding voice nearly drowned out by the hustle and bustle and stresses of life. We have to work long hours or study; raise families; maintain relationships; nurture friendships; shop; socialise etc. There doesn’t seem to be a moment alone to savour for yourself, let alone time to acknowledge and listen to your intuition. It can be in constant danger of life getting in the way.

Other times we intentionally put it on mute, not wanting to hear to truth of what it has to say. The truth can be just too inconvenient or not what we want to acknowledge at that particular time. Or we can deliberately silence it, opting to follow other people’s advice and suggestions, believing them to be wiser in what is best for us. That way, we can also blame others, if things end up going wrong. We surrender our ability to think independently and take control of our lives.

It can seem easier just to ignore your intuition. I know, I’ve done it on multiple occasions. And most of the time I have done this (whether personally ignoring it or seeking to follow other people’s suggestions), I have ended up regretting it. Some a lot more than others. A few I still kick myself over years later. Some have had major repercussions and have caused disastrously negative periods within my life.

Anguish.

Anger.

Regret.

Incredulity.

Do not ignore it, especially when that voice resounds stronger within you. It is trying to grab your attention.   The person who ultimately knows what is best for you, is YOU. To refuse to trust your intuition, is to surrender your power.

You deny yourself the answers you hold within.

And yes, that inner voice can sometimes it can seem like paranoia, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?

Your intuition wants to give you the life that you deserve. Let it help you to prevent negative scenarios rather than help you seek a cure.

Go with your gut.

Get in touch with your inner voice.

Communicate.

And let your intuition do its job.