3rd February 2016
So much hard work, planning and practice…gone down the drain. I can’t stop crying! I am so mad him but even more at myself. What should I tell everyone? They were rooting for me so much! I’ll have to pretend that I was successful and pray I find a job in the meantime. If my family and friends find out, I’ll never hear the end of it. I haven’t had an official decision yet (I’ll hear in around a fortnight), but I know I’ve blown it. I had the same panel as last time, but rather than looking impressed like before, they just appeared disappointed, especially the woman in the navy blue suit. I just couldn’t answer all of the questions properly. I’m pretty sure I know who landed the role – that guy before me came out beaming.
WHY HAVE I BEEN SO STUPID???
I don’t want to see Marcus right now. I have a good idea to cancel his stupid phone contract. He hasn’t even asked me how it went. I can’t forgive him for this!
12th February 2016
Sorry Diary, but it’s really hard for me to write when I’m depressed. I’ve been putting a brave face on things and resorting to lying to everyone. My sister isn’t stupid though – she can tell something’s up. She should definitely be a detective! I really want to tell someone, but I don’t want to hear “I told you so!” And even if I don’t hear it, their body language and facial expressions would be screaming it.
Not a word have I heard from Marcus. I think I’ll go back to just calling him Train Boy. He is far from a man if he acts so childishly! Maybe that’s the reason why his previous relationships have failed. Well, I won’t allow him to drag me down any longer. He’s already wrecked the prospect of one perfectly good career. I won’t give him the opportunity to repeat it. I would delete his number if I didn’t know it by heart already.
It appears I’m single again. My parents will be happy that he’s gone. They keep saying I set my sights too low with him. And my sister doesn’t trust him.
They won’t have to see him anymore.
I won’t see him anymore.
14th February 2016
Two weeks is nearly up now and I haven’t heard anything yet from the company. It’s an awful feeling preparing yourself for the worst. I know I have messed up but to get confirmation is gonna hurt a lot. I suppose it will bring closure and end this torture. I’m so tired. I’m not sleeping properly – the dark circles under my eyes look horrible! I keep having nightmares about opening the rejection letter – it nearly always ends with me drowning in my tears and me waking up fighting for breath.
This angst has definitely helped my piano playing. It’s nice to just sit and play pieces by Bach, Chopin, Debussy and Rachmaninov and forget about things for a while. I’ll have my rejection by Wednesday 17th February 2016 latest.
Not too long to wait now.
15th February 2016
Train Boy was banging on my front door today. No one was in apart from me. I could have pretended I wasn’t there if he hadn’t heard my piano playing. I forgot he knew where I lived! Eventually I opened the door but I didn’t let him in. He appeared a little shocked and sad, but that’s his problem. Apparently he was going out of his mind with worry about my interview, but thought I might have blown it because of the day before. He didn’t know how to approach me and thought that if it had gone well, I would have contacted him. Yeah right! I told him exactly what happened and that he had ruined my chances. He looked remorseful, but I’ve seen that look at least twice before. It doesn’t mean anything!
He swears he’ll make it up to me. Heard that before as well. He’s like a broken record! He thinks his looks will solve everything. He might be good-looking but I’ve seen better and it can’t cover up his personality. I’ve told him to leave me alone. It’s the very least he can do.
Here’s to moving forward.
16th February 2016
As I thought. I’ve been rejected. All that work down the pan! I am so mad at myself! If I had just concentrated and remained focussed for a few more days instead of being fixated on the prodigal ‘lover-boy’! I am more than able to do the job at McPearson Enterprises. I can say it now – I’m not going to get any more bad news about this company. I knew it was coming but it still cuts like a knife. Now I’m right back to square one. Well, I’m not going to lie to my nearest and dearest anymore. I’ll tell them the truth. They’ll be just as disappointed as I am, but eventually they’ll get over it.
I’ll tell them tomorrow. Wish me luck – I’m gonna need it 🙁
17th February 2016
Well today was explosive. I plucked up the courage to tell my mum, dad and sister after lunch. Mum gave me the silent treatment scowling, my dad raged and I got into a huge argument with my sister (who guessed as much). They say it’s nearly all down to Marcus and that I was foolish enough to be taken in by him. Dad says he doesn’t respect me and that he treats me like a doormat. My mum and sister think he’s manipulative and that it could be weeks, possibly months before I get another interview again in this current climate. It got too much for me so I left for Auntie Rosalin’s. She’s always been so objective and she’s not as judgemental. I can talk to her about almost anything. I’m staying for a few days until I clear my head and they calm down at home.
What if they are right? What if it does take me months just to secure another interview? They are so hard to come by these days. And I am out of money. I can’t keep asking my parents – I’m a grown adult and I really want to stand on my own two feet. I feel totally dejected and useless. I can’t really afford Marcus’ phone – I was so certain I would have a job to take care of it. How would I broach the subject with him when I’m not even speaking to him? He would think it’s sour grapes! I’m going to have to find £25 a month from somewhere. Right now it will have to be out of my piano tuition fund. I had put some money aside for this no matter what but these are desperate times. I’ll have to manage on a one-hour lesson a month when I should be having at least one a week. Oh gosh – how will I ever do complete my Licentiate by next year? Everything has ground to a halt.
Everything is going wrong, but I’ll try to remain positive.
20th February 2016
I’m feeling in better spirits. I can’t be held down for long – I won’t allow myself to be. I’m going home in two days. I miss my parents and sister and I miss my own bed – there’s no feeling like it! I know I told Marcus to leave me alone, but it does upset me that even though I have bought him a phone, he hasn’t contacted me at all with it recently.
If he really cared, he would phone me and ask how I was doing. He didn’t even bother to ask me whether I had been accepted or rejected. I’m fed up with whining about Marcus – there’s more to my life than stupid, inconsiderate Train Boy.
I’m meeting Chantal again in a few days. I daresay she’ll have some pearls of wisdom for me. I can’t wait to see her!
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Do you think Marcus is manipulative?
- Who is to blame for our Diary writer failing her second interview?
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