21st April 2017
Finding it extremely hard to concentrate at work. Keep making mistakes and staring into space. Am I doing the right thing? Why am I questioning myself so much? If I say I’ll do something, I should commit to it.
Spent lunchtime picking at my food. My hunger has been replaced with dread. What will he say? Will he be happy to see me or angry with me?
Three hours to go…
Have left work now. My feet feel heavy like I’m dragging myself to my own execution, yet I feel extremely lightheaded. It’s only 5.45pm now. I still have time to cancel. This is too much far too soon. What was I thinking? I’ll phone him now.
It’s 6:20pm. I’ve phoned him over ten times and had no response. I couldn’t bring myself to leave a message saying I want to cancel. I should have texted him and now it’s too late. He’s probably already there, waiting for me. This is a bad move, but there’s not much I can do about it now. He’ll think I maliciously stood him up if I am a no-show.
Courage. I need lots of it.
St. James’ Park is beautiful, but I’m too preoccupied to fully appreciate its beauty. There are so many tourists here taking photos. It will be even more wonderful in the summer. We agreed to meet outside the park restaurant. He hasn’t turned up yet and it’s 6.45pm. The suspense is ripping the little remaining resolve I have to shreds.
I just want this over and done with.
Where is he???
He’s coming. Twenty minutes after the appointed time. My heart is pounding and threatening to burst out of my chest. My head is throbbing and my teeth keep chattering even though it’s relatively mild out here. My throat is parched. It’s taking every ounce of energy just to stand up. C’mon, GET IT TOGETHER!! Don’t give people that much power over your emotions. It’s dangerous.
Am I a malicious, vindictive person? I’m so dazed and confused right now, I don’t know what to think. How can two people’s version of events be so different?
Marcus met me outside the restaurant with little Elijah in the pram. I didn’t expect to see him there, for such a serious meeting. He explained that his babysitter cancelled on him last minute. His expressive eyes and body language were a flicker book of emotions, mostly interchanging between happy to see me and hurt.
We didn’t enter the restaurant but instead stayed outside, just out of earshot of the other people. I don’t think my legs would have made it that far in any case. Little Elijah had fallen asleep and Marcus was rocking him back and forth gently in his pram. If only he had been that gentle with me.
His eyes were dull and glassy, like he was on the verge of crying.
I asked him how he was (stupid I know), he should have been the one doing the apologising and speaking, but he now just scowled at me. He then accused me of deliberately ruining his life with false and damaging accusations. I should have expected something like this, but it took be aback. He said that I was one of those evil females who make up rape claims to the detriment of all the others who actually tell the truth. He continued that even though he knows in his heart and conscience he hasn’t done anything wrong, he hasn’t been able to eat or sleep properly since. His mind is permanently preoccupied. I had probably told others in an attempt to destroy his life and reputation.
How could he have said that to me? Was he serious?!
He said that I was dangerously immature sexually and needed to grow up. My idea of sex was based on romance novels and divorced from reality. Most people prefer it rough. My pain and bruises were consensual. I didn’t say no or scream or cry but instead was groaning in pleasure. That I shouldn’t cry rape, just because I had changed my mind afterwards. That I shouldn’t take my revenge out on him, just because how I had had my virginity taken from me was not how I fantasised.
Yet, even despite all of this he still loved me. Even though I callously ignored his previous texts and proposal. He’ll never let me go and is determined to make things work. He wouldn’t have come otherwise. It would take him a long time to trust me again, but he’s sure I’ll get there. Eventually.
He believes I’m damaged psychologically, but he’ll help to piece me back together again, no matter the cost to himself. He doesn’t think he can’t have sex with me again though – he doesn’t want to experience the traumatic consequences again afterwards. Once bitten, twice shy. He’s not sure he can stay in London anymore. He is paranoid that everyone is unjustifiably judging him for a crime he didn’t commit. He can’t run the risk of his son hearing rumours about him when he grows up.
Even though I’ve ruined everything for him, he’ll forgive me.
If I leave London with him.
Somewhere far, far away. Away from judging eyes.
Were my perceptions far off the mark? Has my inexperience caused me to make a mountain out of a molehill? Have I defamed his name to those I love and care for? What if I have blown things out of proportion in my head? I might not have. These past few months have been a nightmare. I’m sinking in a quagmire. I should have listened to Nikki and stayed away. Doubts are filling my head. I remember saying no, over and over again. And screaming in pain. Why did he not hear me? Is this his version of alternative facts? Is this a cruel trick or can he be trusted? And if the latter, what does that mean for me?
Has my immaturity ruined his life? Is this what all men expect? Bruises and pain are part and parcel of rough sex. And if that’s the norm, should I just grow up and learn to accept it? Is it that I’m just too frigid?
WHY DID I MEET HIM????!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything is topsy turvy. I don’t know which way is up or down. My eyes are red raw from crying.
Oh gosh. If he is right, then I’m an evil b*tch. How could I have got things so wrong??? And how will I ever make it up to him????
Here ends the final instalment on my blog. Want to know what happens next? Wait for the book! More details to follow…
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Do you think Marcus is being genuine or is he gaslighting our Diary Writer?
- How do you think this will play out?
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24 * Chapter 25 * Chapter 26 * Chapter 27 * Chapter 28 * Chapter 29 * Chapter 30 * Chapter 31 * Chapter 32 * Chapter 33