14th April 2017
I feel sad. I had my last session with Nikki today. She’s hopeful that I can turn my life around. I hope I can too. It’s gonna be odd not talking through things every Friday evening any more. I feel a little unsure of myself. I know she’s given me explicit instructions to stay away from Marcus, but I can’t help thinking that I can help him with his problems (stupid, I know!!). Maybe more happened in his past than he cares to admit. Maybe he was abused or not shown any love and affection by his parents. He hardly talks about them, after all. He’s damaged and vulnerable, and I suppose it causes him to lash out. I’m not making excuses for what he did to me. Maybe, if I swallow the remaining revulsion I have for him, and help him to overcome things, just maybe he will improve.
He’ll be nicer.
More caring and considerate.
Nikki might have a lot of insight into relationships in general, but she doesn’t know Marcus in person at all. I’m sure she can’t be correct all of the time. He is really trying to prove how sorry he is to me, even though it ends up in rejection. There’s no way he would pursue me if he didn’t care. And with his looks, he could have anyone, but he always comes back to me. And let’s face it, I am pretty, but there are a lot more skinnier girls out there who would be more to his liking. Surely that means something!!
Somewhere, under all those damaged layers, is a good heart.
I haven’t communicated any of this to Nikki, which didn’t make the last session that effective. Who can I possibly talk to about it? My family wouldn’t understand, my friends certainly wouldn’t. The only one I can speak to about it is Marcus. So I bit the bullet and texted him.
<< Hi Marcus, it’s me. You’ve treated me appallingly. I suspect you’ve had problems with abuse etc. in your childhood as well as battling many unresolved issues, but you had no right to take it out on me. Do you not care how you’ve hurt me?>>
I haven’t received a response yet. I’ll just have to wait for a reply.
15th April 2017
He must be embarrassed and/or full of guilt, since I haven’t received anything from him yet. It must be really difficult to reply and acknowledge that you have done something so awful. I don’t want him to suffer too much. We both need to move on with our lives, him as much as me. I’m sure little Elijah would be able to sense his father’s sorrow – kids are so intuitive!! I don’t want to hurt their relationship.
16th April 2017
Still no response. Was my text too harsh??? Maybe he’s not in the country – he could have gone away for the Easter break. What if his guilt has made him depressed and he has done something stupid??? I couldn’t have that on my conscience. I’m not going to his house though – that’s asking too much of myself. I’ll give him one more day and give him some more time.
17th April 2017
I’m getting more worried now. I’ve checked his status on Whatsapp and he hasn’t been on it since I texted him. Where is he and what is he doing???
I have texted him to help him see that everything will be okay.
<< Hi Marcus. I know you can be a better person. There’s more to you than what happened. Please get the help and support you need. You can be really happy if you give yourself the chance – I know you can!!>>
He didn’t deserve any smiling emoji’s though – don’t want him to think he’s getting off scot-free.
Obviously, I’ve unblocked him from my mobile, just in case he calls. He shouldn’t be too proud or in denial to ask for help. I’ve changed his name in my contacts to Mandy.
19th April 2017
Marcus has replied, at last!!
I think he’s okay. He’s just text:
<< I really need to speak with you, face to face. Please??? I’m in a really bad place. I can’t bear to lose you. >>
That’s not really an apology though, is it? In fact, it isn’t one at all. Maybe he’ll say sorry and admit his actions if I agree to meet him. He might think it would be better and more respectful to apologise in person. If so, he would have a point. But how will my body react??? As much as I feel sorry for him, I’m still scared of him. Am I really ready to have an encounter with him???
Meeting up less than a week before my last counselling session??? Nikki would be livid – never mind. This isn’t just about him and making him feel better. I need to know that I can be the bigger person and push past this. I need to prove to myself that I can overcome my fear. I’ll text him tomorrow though.
20th April 2017
<< Hi Marcus. I can do Saturday 22nd April if that’s okay with you?>>
Received a response in less than half an hour. He must really be desperate!!
<< No, that’s too late. I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope until then. Meet me tomorrow at 6:30pm in St. James’ Park.>>
Not even a please??? I hate the way he assumes I’ll just jump when he tells me to. But he’s in a dark place. At least he had the decency not to invite me back to his.
<< Will do. See you tomorrow. >>
I pray I’ve made the right decision, but I’ll see tomorrow. If he hasn’t changed, I’ll walk away again and this time there will definitely be NO CONTACT.
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Why do you think Marcus has been able to successfully suck our Diary Writer back in?
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24 * Chapter 25 * Chapter 26 * Chapter 27 * Chapter 28 * Chapter 29 * Chapter 30 * Chapter 31 * Chapter 32