31st March 2017
I only have 2 more weeks left with Nikki. I do feel sad about it – she was great to talk to about my problems. I told her what happened to me yesterday on the train. She thinks that he is perhaps trying to remind me of how we first met. She has warned me (again!!) that Marcus will do anything to try and win me over and that if I abandon my resolve and take him back, he’ll only end up treating me worse. Nikki says he deliberately sat next to me because he knew I wouldn’t have done anything about it.
I’m not sure though. How would he know how I would have reacted? He did appear to seem sincere and that was a huge gamble he took in an attempt to get me back – I could have screamed and caused a commotion inside that train carriage. I could have revealed to everyone what he actually is.
Why, why did he do it??? I’ve started crying again. Right now, I really do want to forgive him so he doesn’t feel any pain, but how can I when he has caused me such pain? It’s not like I can just get over it anytime soon. I’m trying to move on with my life, but I still have a long way to go and that’s down to him.
Sometimes I fantasise about killing him slowly and gruesomely, protracted over many, many days – forcing him to wail and beg me to stop like I had to. But that’s where it ends. I’m better than that and I won’t sink to his level, as justified as it sometimes seems. Other times I want to hug him and tell him that everything will be okay. But that just fills me with incredulity and disgust. How could I possibly feel sorry for him??? As much as I try to stop thinking about him (or pretend to), I can’t. I waste hours thinking about him, replaying New Year’s Eve and trying to get inside of his head in an attempt to explain his actions. Whatever his reasoning for it, karma will eventually catch up with him. And hopefully I’ll have a front row seat with a big bag of sweet popcorn to watch!!
I haven’t told my parents, not even my sister, about what happened yesterday. I don’t want to stress them out.
But I don’t want to start keeping secrets again.
5th April 2017
Almost came close to texting him today. I wrote it all out (a really long rambling text asking if he really expected that I would marry him after everything that has happened) and then got cold feet and deleted it all. Part of me is relieved I didn’t send it and the other part of me…
A bit sad.
Would he have replied? If so, how? I’ll never know now.
Am I self-sabotaging, desperate, or do I still really think I can bring out the good in him? That I can change him for the better? Maybe it’s a combination of the three. I definitely need more male friends. Getting advice from a male perspective would be highly beneficial but confiding in Brandon is out of the question, and Sebastian, although he’s really sweet, can sometimes be extremely immature. I need to socialise more and expand my circle of friends.
That almost sent text didn’t ruin my fun though (well, not too much). Amara, Sebastian, Brandon and I used our Meerkat Movies to see ‘Get Out’ after work. OMG it was fantastic!! It’s definitely the best film I’ve seen in absolutely ages!! My eyes were glued to the big screen and not one second was boring. There’s no doubt in my mind I’ll be seeing it again, probably with my sister, if she doesn’t see it with Brandon.
7th April 2017
Friday evenings in central London are the absolute best. There’s such a sense of excitement that the weekend is finally here! I took a lazy stroll by myself around Leicester Square and Picadilly Circus after counselling and then made my way to Southbank. It’s really pretty and vibrant when the sun goes down. Next week is Easter. Should be fun – at least I’ll get the Bank Holiday off work.
Nikki’s managed to find me a psychosexual councillor which is fantastic. The only problem is that the earliest session I can attend is the 26th May and I finish with Nikki next Friday (Good Friday).
THAT’S AGES AWAY!! ☹
I suppose it can’t be helped, but what if I slip up during that period? Breaking off all contact with someone is a lot harder than I originally thought. It’s torture!! I didn’t tell her that I almost text Marcus – I don’t want her thinking that I’m regressing. Besides, nothing came of it and he’s none the wiser.
Why do I always care about what other people think of me???
My workplace still hasn’t given me or Brandon much information about the project we will be leading. They’ve pushed back starting it to after the Easter holidays. I hope they don’t delay it any longer than that. I really need something to sink my teeth into right now. It should help me to focus and channel my energies into something productive rather than obsessing about that lowlife.
I would have bought him a great big Easter egg.
Goodnight Diary. 🙂
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Should our Diary Writer contact Marcus for closure or just break ALL forms of contact with him?
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24 * Chapter 25 * Chapter 26 * Chapter 27 * Chapter 28 * Chapter 29 * Chapter 30 * Chapter 31