STORY CORNER: DIARY OF AN ABUSED LOVER (CHAPTER 31)

Unhappy woman in an abusive relationship

4th March 2017

The British Museum is absolutely HUGE!! I really loved it – I think it’s my second favourite museum after Le Louvre. We did arrive later than I had initially hoped, around 1:30pm. Yep, that was my fault. I took longer than usual getting ready. I’m trying to look after my appearance again and I looked really nice today and more confident in myself than I have in a long while. I am definitely looking forwards. Even got a few glances from some cute males in my direction today – although I didn’t do anything. It’s still way too soon to even be thinking about relationships, as my councillor says. I need to be happy by myself first so that the person I choose can only enhance me.

Sebastian was like a kid in a candy store lol. He was so intrigued by the artefacts – HIS FACE WAS CONSTANTLY LIT UP!! Amara and I secretly recorded his antics secretly on our phones – we’ll blackmail him later. 😊 He should have been an archaeologist – he would be in his element! I was mesmerized by the Assyrian section. Some other places felt eerie though – like some artefacts still actively clung on to ancient memories – and I couldn’t wait to leave those parts.

We didn’t leave until closing time and then spent the rest of the day shopping on Oxford and Regent Streets and grabbing some food in the Plaza.

A very good day on the whole, but tiring on my poor feet. I really need some proper walking shoes – it’s a pity it’s so hard to find any that fit me here. Looks like I’ll have to go to Paris to buy some. 😊

27th March 2017

I think I’m getting used to travelling earlier for work. The weather is milder now so that definitely helps and the trains aren’t as ram-jammed. I like varying my routes and sometimes I even go to a further train station in the opposite direction to where I live for the relaxing walk, rather than attempting to avoid a certain someone. Brandon and I have been asked to be leaders on one of our company’s projects. We’ll get details next week.  It’s right up my street – I’ve always been meticulous when it comes to detail and it could lead to a promotion for one (or maybe both!) of us. If the former, may the best woman win lol. 😊  Either way, it would be nice to spend a little time with Brandon – it has been really hard avoiding him, and come to think of it, it’s probably not necessary. I’m hardly gonna pounce on him (I’d never do that to my sister or him), and there’s no point avoiding him if I see him at work and at home. I can keep things platonic – I do with Sebastian after all.

Piano is going well, although to be honest, I messed around far too much for me take my Licentiate next year. Summer 2018 would be ideal, but there’s no way I would have the necessary technique to get a distinction (I don’t want to scrape through) and my fingers keep going dead in the Winter. Maybe I’ll just have to learn my Fellowship pieces whilst waiting to do my Licentiate exam in 2019. That should make it a bit easier – the pressure would be off a bit since I would be going back down a level. So I should be finished with piano exams in 2020.

I SHOULD HAVE FINISHED BY 2012 LATEST. ☹

Oh well, never mind.

I’m near the end of my counselling sessions now. Nikki suggests I do some psychosexual counselling too. She has a point. She’s given me a list of places where I can go for sessions. I can’t believe I’m in this situation due to that pr*ck!! It will most likely be AGES before I can tolerate being touched by a male – the feeling terrifies and enrages me – let alone have sex. At least I am being proactive in finding a way to work through it.

30th March 2017

I’m not exactly sure how I feel. I feel scared, apprehensive and a trace of pity. I was all comfortable reading my fantasy book on one of the double seats on the train from work, when someone came and sat next to me. At first I didn’t think anything of it – strangers sit next to me all the time (I’m not as panicky as what I was after I was raped) and I don’t mind it as much if I sit next to the window watching the city landscape. But when I eventually looked at who the stranger was in the next seat, it wasn’t a stranger at all.

It was Marcus.

Terror gripped me. I was rooted to the spot. I wanted to scream but found I couldn’t. He just sat casually, with a friendly smile on his face. I couldn’t regulate my breathing and I felt light-headed. I desperately hoped someone would see that I was in distress, but everyone was preoccupied with their own affairs.

I WANTED. TO. BE. ANYWHERE. BUT. THERE!!!!!!!

I’m not sure how I survived through 25mins of sitting right next to my rapist, but I did. I kept willing my body not to fail me and to provide me with the strength to get up, leave my seat and walk away from him, as far away as possible, but my body betrayed me. I couldn’t concentrate on my book (the words blurred into one) and I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye, resorting to staring blindly through the window. His thigh and arm were touching mine – it was unbearable. I knew logically he wouldn’t attempt to do anything to me, not on a train with so many passengers, but my body still remembered precisely what he had done.

The weight of him.

The pain and had misery he had inflicted on me.

My mind screamed at me to get off the train early, but sheer will forced me to stay on. I was determined for him not to take anything else from me. He didn’t say anything to me, but squeezed my hand when I rose to alight at my station and whispered in my ear that he loved and missed me. At that moment, I fantasized about stamping hard on his foot to break it or smashing him around the face, but was too scared to do so. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised that he rose also and alighted with me – he would have to collect his son from the nursery after all. Knowing that he was behind me and aware that mine was a popular station, I managed to steady my trembling legs as much as possible given the circumstances and lose him in the crowd. I dived into the nearest convenience store to escape him. I saw him searching for me for a few minutes, his eyes hopeful – he nearly even made eye contact with me until I shrank back – and then he glumly headed off in the direction of the nursery. I waited for an extra 5 minutes to be sure he was properly gone and then took a long route home, entering my road from the opposite side and sprinting to my sanctuary with my key in my hand. I was petrified that I would see him waiting for me at the other end, but he wasn’t there – thank goodness!!

THIS IS MADNESS!!!! ☹  I spent 15 minutes huddled in my room, getting my breathing under control and regaining command of myself. I can’t allow him in my head – I can’t give him power over me or the satisfaction of seeing me squirm. He’s not worth it!! Why was he at my station and why did he sit next to me after everything that happened? How dare he have the audacity to do that!! I changed my work hours just so I could avoid him. Nikki won’t be pleased. Why didn’t my body move on that train? Was there some part of me that wanted to be near him?

I think I already know the answer to that. But I won’t disrespect myself anymore than I have already.

 

What will our Diary Writer do??? Find out in Chapter 32…

MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…

  • What would you have done if you were in our Diary Writer’s position and Marcus sat next to you on the train???

Missed some? Catch up here:

Chapter 1   *   Chapter 2   *   Chapter 3   *   Chapter 4   *   Chapter 5   *   Chapter 6   *   Chapter 7   *   Chapter 8   *   Chapter 9   *   Chapter 10   *   Chapter 11   *   Chapter 12   *   Chapter 13   *   Chapter 14   *   Chapter 15   *   Chapter 16   *   Chapter 17   *   Chapter 18   *   Chapter 19   *   Chapter 20   *    Chapter 21   *   Chapter 22   *   Chapter 23   *   Chapter 24   *   Chapter 25   *   Chapter 26   *   Chapter 27   *   Chapter 28   *   Chapter 29   *   Chapter 30

Credits: Original Picture by GraphicStock

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