31st January 2017
I DID IT!! 🙂
I made it to the corner shop with the help of my little sister. I swear, sometimes I really do forget I’m the older sibling. We were supposed to leave at 11am but I kept delaying it until 2pm. Surprisingly, my sister was extremely patient with me. It felt odd – I was torn between relishing being outside and the constant fear, bordering on paranoia of bumping into Marcus. Luckily he was nowhere in sight – at least, I didn’t see him.
I must remember that he has a life too! There’s absolutely no way he can be lurking around my house every minute of the day. I mean he has to earn a living and look after Elijah when he has him also. I felt so mightily proud of myself that I bought myself a huge bag of sweet popcorn from the shop and I bought an Indian takeaway for myself and also my sister as a thank you.
She was my rock today. She will also go round with me to the corner shop tomorrow after she returns from work. I just need to make a little improvements day by day and I’ll get back on the right track.
1st February 2017
Yep – I DID IT AGAIN!!!!! 🙂
Dare I say it, things are finally returning to normal! Marcus didn’t turn up. Maybe he’s forgotten all about me now and will leave me in peace. I’m mostly relieved, but a little sad – I had hoped we could have had something special. Sometimes I miss his company, as messed up as that is to admit.
I bought a frozen ready meal for my lunch tomorrow and a newspaper. I’m so happy!! The days are getting slightly longer again. We’re going to go to Marks and Spencers tomorrow in the evening – it’s a lot further out but I really want to walk – the exercise would be good. I just hope I’m not seen by anyone from work (keeping my fingers crossed!).
Here’s to coming out of my comfort zone!
2nd February 2017
It was great going to my local shopping centre. It was late night shopping anyway. It’s nice strolling around the shops, even if it is mostly window shopping. I did, however, bump into Sebastian and Amara in the food section at Marks and Spencers. I was on my own for a few minutes at the time whilst my sister was looking at a pair of leggings (I don’t know how she manages to put holes in them so frequently – it’s beyond ridiculous!). I really wanted to talk to them but I didn’t want the barrage of questions that would be sure to come my way so I hid.
That was a waste of time, however, as two minutes later, imagine my total surprise as I saw my sister laughing with Brandon!! I don’t remember him being particularly funny. From their mannerisms, it didn’t seem like this was their second brief encounter.
Not at all!
IS SHE SEEING HIM?????
They both looked at me at the same time and gestured at me to come over. I felt really awkward. I must admit, it was nice to see Brandon again in person and to talk to him (how could I forget how attentive a listener he was!), but it was the occasional interactions between the two of them – the way they glanced at each other and the way she brushed his hand – a sense of familiarity.
THEY MUST BE SEEING EACH OTHER!!
BUT SINCE WHEN???
I suppose I was a little jealous – if Marcus looked and behaved towards me like Brandon did to my sister, I would feel like a Queen. I had my chance to be with him and I flitted it away for a g*t. I won’t begrudge them their happiness. But I’m going to have to find out more details about their relationship.
OMG – DID SHE TAKE HIM TO THE FIREWORKS??? She was grinning like a Cheshire cat on New Year’s Day. If so (and I’m beginning to suspect she did), at least one of us enjoyed a romantic New Year’s Eve.
It didn’t take long for Sebastian and Amara to find us. They all asked me how I was and when I would be returning to work. Apparently, the boss is highly annoyed I haven’t returned. I just repeated that I had been highly contagious but was nearly back to perfect health, so I should hopefully return to work next week. I’ll most likely have to have a back to work interview.
So be it.
Things were going really well until it was time to say goodbye and Sebastian tapped me innocently on the back. I recoiled as if struck by a snake. Unfortunately, it didn’t go unnoticed – and poor Seb look confused and totally bewildered. The others, including my sister, just stared at me dumfounded. I attempted to shrug it off, apologising to him and pretending that I had a huge bruise in the spot which was still really tender, but I don’t think they bought it.
It’s so annoying – it feels like I’ve taken huge strides forward, only to be catapulted further back than when I first started.
Well I’m not going to let this setback stop me. My rational mind knows that Sebastian would never intentionally hurt me, so I have nothing to fear from him. I just need things to go back to normal. I will fake it until I make it.
8th February 2017
I have resolved to return to work on Monday 13th rather than going back for one day on Friday this week. I asked my sister about her relationship with Brandon. She tried to deny it but in the end she revealed all. I was right all along. They were attracted to each other since that fateful day they first met and have been dating secretly. She remembered his name from my piano sessions with him last year, found him on Facebook and messaged him (on Christmas Day!!), and they have been in contact with each other ever since.
No wonder she wasn’t that fussed about me not going to the fireworks with her lol. I genuinely hope they are very happy together. I wonder what they’ll do for Valentine’s? – it’s just around the corner. More than me at any rate! 🙁
My sister says she really pleased with my progress, but my reaction in Marks and Spencers with Sebastian worries her. She has paid for me to see a female counsellor, tomorrow morning. Apparently, she and my parents had booked it since the 3rd February after she told them what had happened (snitch!!), but they only told me this evening, so I wouldn’t psyche myself out from going.
I’m angry with them, but also relieved. No doubt my sister also has her suspicions and has been getting her new boyfriend, Amara and Sebastian to help fill in the blanks. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that the three of them were there in M&S at the same time we both were. Even though I know my sister suspects my behaviour has something to do with Marcus (she probably realises I’ve been raped) she hasn’t asked me outright, which is good. I’m not sure I could cope with that yet.
She says it’s easier to talk to a counsellor because they aren’t family or friends, or close to you to be able to form judgements.
I’ll give it a chance. To be honest, this could be exactly what I need to purge myself of Marcus for good. I feel strong enough to go by myself.
9th February 2017
WHAT IS HE DOING!!
IS IT TO GET BACK AT ME????
I saw Marcus today at 8:10am literally around the corner from where I live. There’s a private nursery – HE’S ENROLLED LITTLE ELIJAH THERE!!! He must have since I saw him take him in. There are others much closer to where he lives. When did this start??? Is he trying to ruin my life even more??? That means I could bump into him 5 days a week when I start working again.
I couldn’t bear it!!
I’M NOT GOING BACK TO HIDING IN MY HOUSE. And that wouldn’t even be that effective anymore. He could easily swing by after dropping off his son and the whole nightmare would start again.
I’m going to have to think of something else.
Maybe go to another train station, or perhaps leave home an hour earlier to ensure I don’t see him.
I’m scared he’ll hurt me again.
And I’m petrified that I’ll get sucked back in to his web of manipulation and deceit.
I’ll try to keep calm before my appointment at 9:30am.
The counsellor will help – SHE HAS TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Why do you think Marcus has enrolled his son into a nursery right around the corner from where our Diary Writer lives???
- Has our Diary Writer’s sister done the right thing along with her parents by making her go for counselling???
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24 * Chapter 25 * Chapter 26 * Chapter 27