20th January 2017
I really need to return to work, but I’m still too petrified to leave the house. I really wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up losing my job, but I have to focus on getting myself in the right frame of mind. My parents know something is up – now they think I’m agoraphobic. Well, they got that part right – just as long as they don’t pry too much into my private life.
I’ve been gorging on gluten. I’m sleeping a lot – the flashbacks are still there, but thankfully less often and intense. But my tummy feels awful and bloated.
I’m getting really fat.
I don’t want to damage myself. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I’m crumbling inside – that’s what he expects.
I’ve taken up piano practice again – it’s really helping me to relax. I’ve bumped the hours up to four when my sister and parents are away. At this point, I couldn’t care less whether it upsets the neighbours or not – it’s the only thing keeping me sane.
23rd January 2017
Marcus turned up today, AT MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!
It was a dull, dark grey day, threatening to rain. Everyone else was out. I was just about to start my piano practice when the doorbell went. I thought it might be a parcel my sister was expecting, but when I looked through the front room window, there, sure enough, he was. I was extremely grateful he didn’t notice the curtain twitch. My insides turned to liquid and my legs turned to jelly. Luckily the kitchen door (which faces the front door) was shut, and no lights were on, but the dining room door was wide open with voices from the ‘Daily Politics’ programme loudly emanating from the TV. There was no way I could get to the dining room and turn the sound down without going through the hallway and he might have opened the letterbox and seen me. Besides, that would have made it obvious that someone was definitely in. I hoped against hope that if he heard the television, he would assume that it was a trick to deter potential burglars and that everyone was really and truly out of the house. I ripped my phone from my pocket and put it on silent, in case anyone phoned me whilst I was hiding and gave me away.
He lingered on the doorstep for 15 minutes, knocking, banging, pressing the doorbell and calling my name through the letterbox flap. He even said that he knew I was in the house! I attempted everything I could to control my breathing and prevent an oncoming panic attack. I crouched on the floor in a corner away from the window, straining my ears to detect his outside activity, occasionally peeping from the safety of the thick net curtains when I mustered the courage to do so.
Fear rooted me to that spot on the floor for an hour after audio signs of his presence had ceased. I couldn’t do any piano practice in case he came back and heard me.
He’s already made me scared to venture outside – now he’s made me scared to move around in my own home!
My only sanctuary.
I don’t feel safe.
24th January 2017
He didn’t appear today.
I feel really vulnerable, even indoors. I don’t answer the front door (even for important parcels); I don’t go downstairs unless I am extremely hungry or thirsty; I keep the TV and radio off; I keep all lights off until someone is home with me and I don’t cook any food while alone for fear of the smell wafting outside of the house.
Piano practice is no longer a possibility.
I long to breathe in the fresh air, go shopping on the weekends, laugh and joke with Rae and Perry or Sebastian, Marcus and Amara. I long to return to the normality of working, even when days are sometimes hectic.
30th January 2017
My parents and sister are concerned to keep finding me in the dark at home. Mum started crying and kept begging me to tell her what was wrong. I don’t want to put them through this, but I don’t want them to be even more anguished by the truth. I didn’t think my actions would adversely impact this much on my family. My sister says that she is off tomorrow and demands I go out with her to the corner shop then, even if she has to drag me there kicking and screaming.
That’s my goal.
I welcome and dread it at the same time.
If I can do that, I just know things will start to improve.
I can do it.
I WILL do it.
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Do you think our Diary Writer should have phoned the police, the moment Marcus showed up outside her house???
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24 * Chapter 25 * Chapter 26