6th January 2017
I can’t really face anything at the moment, not even writing everyday in my diary. I just spend my days staring blankly into space. I haven’t been back to work – I’ve just said that I’m really ill – not that you would think any differently from looking at me.
I’ve blocked Marcus’ mobile number. His phoning was relentless. There’s no way I should be scared of seeing his number flash on my mobile, but I am.
I REALLY am.
He left so many messages, some tearful and remorseful, some whilst drunk and others really angry. He obviously realised that I wasn’t accepting his calls because he then started to withhold his number and phone from other people’s mobiles. He caught me out with the unknown number – it was petrifying hearing his voice communicating directly with me. As soon as I realised who it was I hung up. Thank goodness for Norton Security – I’ve now blocked all unknown numbers too.
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR OR SEE HIM!!
9th January 2017
I still haven’t left the house. Each day I stay in is making it harder and harder to venture out. I don’t want to bump into him. He could be anywhere!! He knows where I live. What if he makes good on his promise and comes here??!!
My bruises are fading.
It’s my birthday soon. Dad wants to take us out to the cinema and a restaurant for my birthday. I’ve already made my excuses. He was really hurt, though I don’t know why he’s made it all about him – he’s not a victim and it’s my birthday after all. My detective sister finds it a little odd – she knows I’ve been excited to see ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story’. I’ll just have to wait until I can rent it on Sky or when it comes out on DVD.
I’m completely exhausted. I’m really trying to sleep, but my mind keeps replaying New Year’s Eve. I need to get a grip but I’m not strong enough to do it by myself. I am sinking beneath the waves.
12th January 2017
Rae and Perry phoned me today asking to go out for my birthday. I turned them down too. I feel like such a failure and disappointment.
And so dirty and worthless.
They wanted to visit me, but I’ve told them that I’m extremely contagious with a nasty bug at the minute, so it would be better to stay away. I don’t like lying (look where it’s got me!) but it’s easier than stating the truth. I just have to think of an appropriately scary bug in case they start interrogating me.
13th January 2017
Amara phoned me today to ask how I am. And also to tell me that Marcus was outside our workplace waiting to speak to me. He looked distressed and not like his usual arrogant self. He had been waiting for me for almost 45 minutes (he can wait forever for all I care!). She told him that I had been ill and hadn’t been back to work for this year yet. He left as soon as he saw Brandon approaching her. She wants to know whether my lack of an appearance has something to do with Marcus. I told her no.
Am I scared of the consequences for myself or do I want to protect him, or both? Am I trying to protect him from hardship and suffering, which he ultimately denied me? I respect his feelings when I shouldn’t. I know what Chantal would say: he committed the crime so let him suffer the consequences. But what about poor Elijah? How would he feel when he grows up and realises that people are talking about his father and calling him a filthy rapist? That would scar him.
I’ve gone back to eating lots of gluten. I know it’s bad for me, but since it used to give me chronic fatigue, hopefully it will help me to sleep.
Look how far I’ve regressed?! And tomorrow I’m 33.
14th January 2017
Some birthday. 🙁
I didn’t do anything. Just sulked in my room. This has gone on long enough. I have to snap out of it.
But I don’t know how.
I tried to be cheerful with the many phone calls of birthday wishes, but I don’t think I pulled it off. This time last year I was so full of hope and now I feel like a wraith.
I received a birthday card and present from Marcus – that didn’t help matters. It came via next day postal service. The card read:
‘To my gorgeous girl…Happy Birthday. Love you so much and miss you lots. Please don’t end things like this. Marcus xxx’
I ripped it to shreds and dumped it in the outside bin. He bought me a cute Charlie Bears Collectable Martin 20-inch Plush Bear. I don’t care that it was beautiful or that I absolutely adore teddy bears – I twisted and tore its poor head and limbs off and dumped its dismembered remains in the outside bin alongside the scraps of birthday card. It gave me a momentary feeling of satisfaction and release but that wore off just as quickly.
Does he really think a cute bear will make me go running back into his arms?
HE’S AN ABSOLUTE G*T!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is becoming too much, as if it wasn’t bad enough already. Should I get him done for harassment and try to get a restraining order? That might help. But then the police would want to know what went on and all hell might break loose. It might make him back off or it might infuriate him and cause him to lash out. I know he’s got a temper and I’ve been doing some research. Quite a lot of people have been attacked or killed by the person directed to stay away from them in a restraining order. Or what if he gets his friends or someone I don’t know to intimidate or hurt me or my family? I don’t want to put anyone in danger.
I just want to pretend that the last 2 weeks and a bit didn’t happen.
I want it all erased.
I want to be in control of my life again.
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Why do you think our Diary Writer won’t go to the Police or seek help?
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24 * Chapter 25