1st January 2016
My head is all over the place. What has happened in the last 12 hours? I’m seriously doubting my own judgement here. Is Marcus right? Did I work myself up so much that I misinterpreted his actions? I can’t really bring myself to say the word again. He is right – I know nothing of sex after all, no experience to compare it to and I’m not comfortable talking to friends and family about it. I know I’m really good at compartmentalisation, but this is pushing me beyond my limits.
I was in the bathroom for nearly 2 hours, with him still laughing and joking on the phone, before he came up to see me. I had scrubbed myself raw in the shower just to remove all traces of him from my body. I heard him coming up the stairs, but the knock at the bathroom door startled me. I was petrified and wouldn’t let him in. I told him through sobs that I wanted to go home immediately and get an emergency contraceptive – that he should unlock the front door and give me back my phone. He just laughed and asked why I was being so overly dramatic! I knew he couldn’t drive me back and it would take an agonisingly long time to wait for a cab after what had just happened. He seemed genuinely hurt, I could hear it in his change of tone – I can’t take his changes in mood and behaviour, but that might be in my head too. After around 15 minutes, he thought he had managed to coax me out of the bathroom, but I had steeled my nerves. I managed to burst out, shove him out of the way and hurtle down the stairs towards the front door. It was still locked. I banged relentlessly on it and screamed like a banshee for someone to help me and call the police, until he dragged me back into the dining room, shutting the door and blocking it. He said that no one could hear me since his neighbours were both out and I couldn’t leave until I had heard him out. He looked incredulous and bewildered until he saw the state of my wrists.
His jaw kept opening and closing. He attempted to advance forward a step towards me, but I shrank back, cowering in the corner. I should have stood up to him and be brave, but I was too scared. Then to my surprise he started crying – he ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING!! He looked so dejected. He said he never meant to hurt me, but he just got carried away and gripped my wrists too tight. He asked me what I think happened. I replied that he raped and hurt me. The expression on his face was one of horror and complete incredulity. He started shaking his head vehemently. “No,” he said, “how could you even think that? I would never hurt you intentionally!” He said that I had blown things wholly out of proportion and he swore on his baby Elijah’s life that I never once uttered the word ‘no’. I know I did. And ‘stop’ over and over and over again. Was he too drunk to hear my words? I’m not sure, but it might be the case – surely he wouldn’t swear on his own child’s life otherwise!
He said he loves rough sex and that he didn’t do anything wrong, apart from forget that I should have had a gentle initiation into to the world of sex. He’s sorry he ripped my dress. He had never received such a reaction like mine before and that he would have saved himself being the victim of such a pernicious accusation if he had ended things with me beforehand. He said I was too fragile, hadn’t got over my past experiences and rid myself of emotional baggage and was blaming him for them.
I feel violated but I also feel scared of and sorry for him at the same time. My heart is telling me one thing but my gut is in direct opposition to it.
He wants me to promise that I won’t tell anyone about it – he wouldn’t be able to forgive such a betrayal of trust and there would be no way our relationship could survive it.
WHAT ABOUT MY TRUST????
The police wouldn’t believe me anyway – it would be my word against his. He would have to tell the police and the courts if it ever got that far about my past experiences to put things in context, and it would only end up hurting me again as I would have to relieve it and my family would know all the gory details. And I would be revealed as a liar – I had lied to my sister and the rest of my family after all and had kept my sister and Brandon apart so she wouldn’t find out about us. I had bought my lingerie, come over to his house like we had planned and his friends in the car knew we were going to have sex. I had even sent him a photo of myself in my lingerie. He said I shouldn’t lash out just because I hadn’t lost my virginity the way I had hoped I would. He would be willing to overlook my paranoid reaction if I at least waited until breakfast before I left – that way he could get the blood off of my clothes (even my ripped dress) and start afresh for the new year.
MORE LIKE HE WANTED TO GET RID OF HIS DNA!!
I mustered up the courage to challenge him on why he refused to wear a condom. He was livid – he banged the table with his fist and smashed a glass against the wall. It exploded in little shards, falling onto the ground. His eyes looked murderous. Then the rage dissipated and he was calm and sad again. He just repeated that he doesn’t like the feel of it – he thinks he’s allergic to latex and he doesn’t have any STIs so I would be fine. He would be faithful to me anyway since we had ‘slept together’. He had hoped that we could try for a baby but he realises I’m not ready for one. How does he manage to see himself as a victim???
He’s unpredictable and has a dangerous temper – that whole torturous conversation was like walking on egg shells.
I LOATHE him, I’m petrified of him, yet I feel sorry for him. I still want his love and affection – he’s the only one I can really talk to – HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT!!!
I couldn’t wait until breakfast. I managed to gently coax him into releasing me early and that I would take my breakfast to go. He seemed satisfied with that and gave me grilled a gluten free croissant with cheese for me. He seemed a little sad that I wasn’t grateful. He gave me back my phone and unlocked the door, but not before demanding a kiss so he knew everything was alright between us and applying foundation on my wrists in an attempt to hide my bruises. The idea of him touching me again filled me with revulsion, but he was so gentle in his application, it would be hard to believe it was the same person who had caused me all that pain before. He even gave me £50 to replace my dress.
I walked home, dazed, confused and tired, dumping the croissant in the bin. I didn’t want anything from him!! The hour or so walk home did nothing to help. I’m confused and angry and am starting to doubt my judgment. It was a herculean feat just to manage to stick a smile on my face and pretend that everything was fine.
More lies. The lies just keep growing where Marcus is involved.
I need serious help and advice but I don’t know where to turn. My sister is elated (she had a great time at the fireworks with whoever she went with) and my parents are all loved up. I won’t burden them with my self-inflicted problems – problems I brought on all by myself. Besides, what would their reaction be? What would Dad do to him? I shudder at the thought. I need time to think and heal.
Away from Marcus.
2nd January 2017
I can’t sleep – I keep having nightmares about New Years’ Eve. I’m constantly in floods of tears. I can’t think straight and I’m still sore down there – though it’s now more of a dull ache, and it’s really uncomfortable to wear a bra since the bites still hurt. I bought my emergency contraceptive yesterday, so at least there’s no chance of an unwanted pregnancy. Marcus promised to give me some space only yesterday, but he’s phoned me 26 times since I left his house!! His words never match his actions. I flinch every time his number flashes on my mobile. I’m petrified to leave the house in case I bump into him. Mum asked me to buy some milk at the supermarket today and I had a panic attack in my room! I had to say I was feeling poorly (which wasn’t a lie) so my sister got it instead. I’m irritable and anxious and keep flinching if someone touches me – I can’t believe it – I flew off the handle when my dad tapped me on the shoulder. I’m losing control! Marcus says he will come over here to my house if I keep avoiding his calls – he hasn’t even given me a day to gather my thoughts!
He’s scared I will break things off with him. He says we have something special and it would be a pity for me to end our relationship with him after going to the next level. He wants to be with me, now more than ever, and he won’t give up on me.
WHY IS IT ALL ABOUT HIM???!!!
I’m so confused – I don’t know what to think or how to proceed. I can’t face returning to work tomorrow.
He’s reduced me to a complete mess.
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Should our Diary Writer confide in someone about what happened?
- Why do you think Marcus keeps bombarding our Diary Writer with calls?
- Should she go to the Police?
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21 * Chapter 22 * Chapter 23 * Chapter 24