Unhappy woman in an abusive relationship

31st December 2016

The day is finally here. I feel sick to my stomach. Marcus has already text me three times and called me twice and it’s only half one in the afternoon. He’s waited so long for this, I suppose it’s only natural he wants to make sure that I don’t back out.

I’ve waxed, epilated, had a pedicure and exfoliated. It’s a shame about the dark rings around my eyes. I just couldn’t get to sleep properly. The maximum amount of time I was able to stay asleep for was one hour. I should have got up and gone to the dining room to watch some TV, but I didn’t want to disturb anybody. My hands are still painful. I’m so glad I bought an exfoliating brush rather than try and tolerate my usual sea salt exfoliating scrub – if that got into my cuts and cracks it would have been unbearable!

I’ve already let my sister know that I can’t go with her to the fireworks. I could tell she was disappointed, but she tried not to show it too much. I can’t handle this pressure! I said to her that my friend Trisha from work has just broken up with her boyfriend and that she is in a bad way. There’s no one in my workplace called Trisha! What if she finds out? I’ll definitely have to keep her away from Brandon in case it comes up in a topic of conversation.

Another text from Marcus – he’s just changed the time to 7pm. That’s one less hour to play with. He’s going to pick me up from the train station to make sure we are definitely not seen together by family and friends. It’s only a 20 minute walk there (cabs are way too expensive on bank holidays!) and I suppose it will do me good – give me some much needed thinking time. Or time to psyche myself out. 🙁

I need to learn how to drive. I want to learn manual since it is more useful but I’ve decided that after I pass (whenever that is), I will only drive automatic cars. I’ll drive to the coast one day – maybe to Hastings or Brighton. Yes. In the summer. I’ve always wanted to drive on the motorway. I could make some gluten free Victoria Sponge cakes and eat them on the beach – raspberry rather than strawberry jam.

I’m rambling. It’s a good thing no one else reads this. My hands are shaking as I write. I’ve got to control my nerves and master my emotions. Tonight is a big deal for me. I can’t spoil things for myself.

I have just over 5 hours left before he picks me up. I’ll practise some breathing exercises in the meantime. This is supposed to be a joyous rite of passage but it doesn’t feel like it.



Breathing exercises didn’t work. But playing Mozart did – just shows how much of a state I’m in since I’m not a huge fan of the composer at all! It really helped to focus on living in the moment and putting the worry of the impending future behind me for 45 minutes.

My sister has just left the house, looking all dressed up and lovely. She says she is going for a bite to eat beforehand with a friend before watching the fireworks display. She won’t be back until morning.

Neither will I. I don’t think I particularly want to stay for the night at Marcus’ but I really can’t see him driving me home, especially if he will be drinking like I suspect he will be. The quicker I get my driving licence, the better.

Mum and dad will be having a romantic night in. I’m jealous – they make it look so effortless. Hopefully I’ll be in that position someday.

Marcus has just phoned again – he will be leaving to pick me up in half an hour. I am packed and have everything I need. Except for courage.

Think positively – I CAN DO THIS!!!

Farewell for now Diary. My next entry won’t be until after the event.

Gosh, this is really happening!


This Diary writing is so therapeutic. I can’t believe I’m writing in it again so soon and on the sly! Marcus is busy in the kitchen making a salad whilst talking loudly on the phone to his baby mama! It’s been 20 minutes now. He’s virtually left me by myself.

I met him at the station but I didn’t expect him to have two friends in the car with him, one in the front and one in the back. That completely threw me off. They weren’t particularly nice either. I tried to be as polite as I could be answering their lude questions – I should have just told them to f*ck off!! Politeness doesn’t seem to get me anywhere these days. Marcus didn’t pick me up an hour early to spend extra time with me, but to pick me up on the way to dropping his friends off. Marcus had obviously talked to them about me in detail and disclosed everything I told him – I just knew it. They couldn’t stop sniggering when they were looking at me and I felt really uncomfortable. He dropped them both off near an estate near Elephant and Castle (nowhere near where either of us lived). Before getting out, the guy at the front said to me that he hopes I’m not too disappointing. The other one roared with laughter. We then drove back to Marcus’ place, just the two of us almost in silence, going almost past the road I lived.

So what was the point in that? I feel pissed off!!

To top it off, he hasn’t made anything special! He’s ordered a delivery (which will probably take all year to arrive since it’s New Year’s Eve) and he didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. He got me a lamb madras and pilau rice which I eat anyway, but that’s besides the point. I’ve made all of the effort and he’s not done anything worth mentioning apart from allowing his friends to ridicule me. I should have gone with my sister – I wonder what’s she’s doing? Having a better time than me, that’s what!

I should leave right now!

But let’s see if he can turn this around. The night is still young. Well young-ish. I don’t see how he can.

I’m a glutton for punishment. What on earth am I doing???!!!


Will our Diary Writer stop the madness??? Find out in Chapter 24…


  • Is our Diary Writer correct in thinking she should just leave?
  • Why do some people find it so difficult to nip disrespect in the bud?

Missed some? Catch up here:

Chapter 1   *   Chapter 2   *   Chapter 3   *   Chapter 4   *   Chapter 5   *   Chapter 6   *   Chapter 7   *   Chapter 8   *   Chapter 9   *   Chapter 10   *   Chapter 11   *   Chapter 12   *   Chapter 13   *   Chapter 14   *   Chapter 15   *   Chapter 16   *   Chapter 17   *   Chapter 18   *   Chapter 19   *   Chapter 20   *    Chapter 21   *   Chapter 22

Credits: Original Picture by GraphicStock

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