28th December 2016
A remarkably dull day, considering we are in the Christmas period. I’m still nervous about Saturday though. I’ve spent hours on the weekend researching gluten free foods to try and take my mind off of it. Why is gluten free food so expensive?? It’s beyond a joke! There’s no way GF breads should be that expensive – they taste absolutely awful!! I’m so glad I’m able to make my own now. First bread, then perhaps pastries and ultimately croissants (one can dream – sigh). I’ll definitely miss croissants in the meantime.
Marcus phoned me again this evening. He really liked my photo!! 🙂 No sex talk though – he just acted normally, which I was really relieved about.
I swear – sometimes I think as soon as New Year’s Eve is over and done with, the better!!
29th December 2016
She really isn’t that subtle, that sister of mine. She’s been trying to casually wheedle information out of me about Brandon, but it isn’t going to work. I knew I wasn’t crazy and being paranoid – the proof is blatantly in her actions. I need to keep my work life and family life separate. She’s a bit annoyed that I haven’t given her much to go on but I’m sure she’ll try again eventually – she’s not one to give up!!
Nervousness does bring out the cook in me. I tried baking some gluten free shortbread biscuits today – they were a complete success and much better than the attempts you find in the shops. That means I should be able to make my own digestive biscuits (gluten free of course) and use them as a base for cheesecake. I’m not sure which flours I should experiment with though – there’s buckwheat, millet, coconut, tapioca, potato etc. I’ll think I’ll stick with a plain white GF flour to be on the safe side and get more adventurous later.
I can’t sleep – I’m petrified about Saturday. Will I be any good?? What if Marcus think’s I’m rubbish? Of course he will!! I don’t have any experience. He was understanding before but will that continue to be the case on the night? I have no past to guide me, whereas he has had multiple women.
I don’t want to let him down or myself down.
What if it dredges up bad memories? The worry is threatening to trigger my eczema again – it’s all I can do not to claw my skin from my bones!!
I wish I had someone to talk to about it.
I am on my own.
30th December 2016
One day to go…
My head is pounding and my hands have come out in rashes – Marcus can’t see me like this!! I have itched them raw – it felt really good to do so, but now they are inflamed and angry and now I regret it. It’s also going to take weeks to heal and is going to be problematic when I do my hair. It was a massive feat trying to keep food down today. My mum is worried about me and thinks I’m coming down with something.
I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore. I should just make an excuse and go to the Fireworks display instead with my sister – it is cruel to cancel on her last minute after all.
Marcus skyped me to confirm that I’m not backing out on our plans and that he will pick me up at 8pm somewhere near my house. He is planning something special as well. I couldn’t tell him that I was having second thoughts – the words just wouldn’t come out. He says that it will hurt a lot and that I would most likely bleed but that it would be worth it – very encouraging!! 🙁
My intuition is all over the place. It’s screaming at me something is very wrong, but I’m in such a state it could very well just be paranoia and blowing things out of proportion. I can have an overactive imagination at times.
Sex is one of the last hurdles remaining in my life.
Marcus can help me overcome this hurdle.
Then I can be a proper woman.
A proper woman starting a new successful year.
He will help me. I just have to let him.
Everything will be alright. I should trust him. There’s nothing to worry about.
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Is our Diary Writer right to feel apprehensive?
- Why is she ignoring and doubting her intuition?
- Should she sleep with Marcus if she is having doubts beforehand?
Missed some? Catch up here:
Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3 * Chapter 4 * Chapter 5 * Chapter 6 * Chapter 7 * Chapter 8 * Chapter 9 * Chapter 10 * Chapter 11 * Chapter 12 * Chapter 13 * Chapter 14 * Chapter 15 * Chapter 16 * Chapter 17 * Chapter 18 * Chapter 19 * Chapter 20 * Chapter 21