Unhappy woman in an abusive relationship

21st December 2016

I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing. I can’t back out now – he’ll think I’m a tease! I really don’t want to mess him around. Why did I say ‘as soon as possible’?!

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How long does that give me to wrap my head around it?

A few days?

Certainly not more than 2 weeks.

I’ve put myself under unnecessary pressure.

He phoned me three times today but I’ve been too nervous to actually respond to him. Hopefully he’ll just think I’m busy or annoyed about how he behaved last night.

I’ve waited so long to lose my virginity – it trivialises it, rushing things just to keep Marcus.

But aren’t relationships about compromise? If I do this for him, then he’ll be more committed to me. I really hope so!

But what if he just dumps me afterwards? What if I’m just a challenge he’ll quickly discard once he has attained it?

I’ll bite the bullet and speak to him tomorrow.

There will be no turning back. It’s high time I grew up!

22nd December 2016

It’s really hard to concentrate on anything at the minute. It only takes a few seconds for my mind to get pulled back to my promise to Marcus. I’m not even that excited about Christmas anymore – I’ve got that dreaded doom feeling instead. I suppose it gives me a few days’ grace period where I can pretend I’m too caught up in the Christmas rush to even think about having sex before Christmas Day.

That’s an adequate plan for now.

I couldn’t even concentrate properly when Brandon phoned apologising for his behaviour towards me. I don’t see why – he did nothing wrong at all and Marcus treated him abominably! Sometimes, I really don’t think I deserve to have him in my life. He’s such a gentleman! He did, however, warn me to stay away from Trainboy and that I could do so much better than him.

I know Marcus was out of order towards him, but he should really be living his own life rather than worrying about mine! I really do value his opinions though. Should I tell him about what I am planning?

No – that’s an absolutely ridiculous idea!

I don’t want him knowing things that intimate about me – how would I face him when we went back to work? CRIIIINGE!!!! But it would definitely help to get a male perspective on things. I don’t really know that many men though, and I wouldn’t dare broach the subject with my dad and there’s no point talking about it with Marcus. I know exactly what he wants.

I phoned him earlier this evening. It was strangely exciting yet rather awkward. He’ll be spending Christmas with Elijah and his mother in Bournemouth for the sake of his son, so will be leaving on Christmas Eve and returning on the 28th December.


But he wants me to go to his place tomorrow evening. I made an excuse that I was busy with a lot of food to prepare and presents to wrap for the big day, but he was quite insistent, saying he needed to give me my Christmas present.

I’ll go tomorrow, just for 15 minutes only to collect my present and to give him his gift – a promise ring. I bought it for him today. I hope he likes it!

23rd December 2016

People should really plan their Christmas shopping way in advance. There were so many people rushing around like headless chickens lol.

But I am so happy!!!

Tonight, I saw Marcus’ softer side. There was absolutely no way I could leave so soon after arriving after the effort he had gone through. He bought me some gorgeous tribal jewellery and had ordered a pizza delivery for the both of us.  He was curious to know what had made me change my mind about sleeping with him, particularly after my reaction towards him in Bath.

I told him everything – it was like the floodgates had opened, and he listened intently.

I told him that I wanted to grow up.

I told him about my few bad experiences that I had with boys and men in the past that I kept solely to myself.

I told him how my bad experiences and my focus on my academic work meant that I had never been in a relationship before, even though I was in my thirties.

And the hardest part? It took a few deep breaths to get the lump out of my throat and utter the words.

I told him that I was still a virgin.

After the shame of disclosing that, I managed to lift my head up to make eye contact with him. He wasn’t annoyed or angry, nor did he show signs of disappointment with the confirmation that I had no proper sexual experience. He didn’t react with a sneer or smirking, he just genuinely smiled.

A beautiful smile that reached his expressive eyes.

He was grateful that I had trusted him enough to reveal my most private secrets to him. I suppose he did always suspect about some parts anyway, but this was real confirmation for him.  It was really like Brandon had possessed his body!! Seriously, why can’t he reveal this side of himself – the real Marcus –  more often?  I’d definitely like to see more of his sensitive side! He doesn’t have to pretend that he’s macho with me.  My family and friends would have a change of heart in their attitude towards him if he displayed his caring nature more often.

He didn’t try to pressurise me at all. Sometimes I think I’m far too harsh in my criticisms of him (maybe I’m paranoid?). My intuition is defective lol. 🙂

My personal development books have always said that you should face your fears. And the constant procrastination, coupled with bad experiences has most likely extensively exaggerated that fear in my head. It’s high time I overcame them.

Marcus genuinely wants what’s best for me. He says that my promise ring to him (which he absolutely loves!!) is a demonstration of my commitment to him. So we’ve decided that I’ll lose my virginity to him on New Year’s Eve. That gives me a bit more time to get used to the idea. I’m still nervous, but I am excited. After all, he assures me that it’ll be a night I definitely won’t forget!! 🙂

How will our Diary Writer spend Christmas? Find out in Chapter 21…


  • Should you listen to your family and friends and stay away from somebody if they all warn you against that person?
  • Do you think Marcus’ behaviour after our Diary Writer’s disclosure is genuine and that he is revealing his sensitive side?

Missed some? Catch up here:

Chapter 1   *   Chapter 2   *   Chapter 3   *   Chapter 4   *   Chapter 5   *   Chapter 6   *   Chapter 7   *   Chapter 8   *   Chapter 9   *   Chapter 10   *   Chapter 11   *   Chapter 12   *   Chapter 13   *   Chapter 14   *   Chapter 15   *   Chapter 16   *   Chapter 17   *   Chapter 18   *   Chapter 19

Credits: Original Picture by GraphicStock

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