Unhappy woman in an abusive relationship

20th December 2016

Where should I even start???!!!!

I’m so glad I’m by myself right now. I need space to think.

Work (the last day of work until the new year) finished at 2pm today to prepare for the Christmas party. I got ready from home, went to Marcus’ place where he was waiting for me and from there to my workplace to start the celebrations.

The Christmas party started off really well. It felt strange but at the same time really flattering to have so many eyes on me. I think people were surprised I could look so glamorous – I certainly felt it! Marcus looked really handsome as well. He had pushed the boat out with a gorgeous black tuxedo. We would have looked like quite the pair…

that is, if you knew he was my plus one.

Sometimes, I just really don’t understand him! How can he claim to love me, yet do all of the stupid things he does. IT’S HURTFUL!!!!

We went in to my workplace’s foyer. Christmas celebrations traditionally begin there (the foyer is quite large, spacious and has good acoustics) drinking wine and singing Christmas carols, followed by a restaurant and a club (for the hard-core partygoers!).

He was the perfect charmer when we arrived. He opened the cab door for me, helped me out, linked arms and walked into the foyer with me.  I was beaming at this point – I must have felt like all the other people who went to our yearly Law Balls at university. I can’t even begin to describe to you how exquisite it felt to have him on my arm! A few people were there on time (I’m usually fashionably late for parties) including my boss, Brandon (he warned me he’d get there early to warm up his hands – his hands go numb in cold weather) and a few colleagues. I introduced him to my boss, who he spoke really courteously to.

So far, so good.

Things started to go downhill upon introducing him to Brandon. My duet partner came by himself. There’s no shame in that, especially after all he’s been through. He was delighted when he saw me all done up – I must say he looked very dashing (who even uses that term now??) – and told me how lovely I looked. I thought Marcus was agreeing with the compliment, since he began agreeing with how gorgeous the dress was, until he started joking that it magically concealed all of my unsightly lumps and bumps. He thought it was highly amusing, but Brandon and I was in shock. Brandon recovered quickly and tried valiantly to defend me but the damage was already done.

Humiliating me in front of my friends?

Whoever said that words could never hurt them was lying! 🙁

Fifteen minutes later we warmed our fingers up on the piano, playing scales and arpeggios whilst the foyer got more and more crowded with arriving people. It was nice to feel my fingers flying up and down the keys to forget about that uncalled for comment. His sense of humour is cruel. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. Whilst we were warming up, he remarked that Brandon and I would make a really nice couple, if it weren’t for the fact that he wasn’t my type at all. That was bad enough, but he stuck the knife in, adding that his fiancé couldn’t have found him her type either if she had an affair. I’ll never forget both of their faces – Marcus tried to act like he was a bit tipsy to cover himself (he hadn’t drunk that much!) and for a split second, anger flashed in Brandon’s eyes, followed by composure. He didn’t reply, but instead continued practising, ignoring me as much as possible. And who could blame him? I had found out information about him behind his back, and told Marcus like it was a piece of juicy gossip. But I did tell Marcus in the strictest confidence – I never for a second thought he would ever throw it back in Brandon’s face!

We played really well together during the half hour of carolling, our fingers on automatic pilot but, with our minds elsewhere. At first Marcus stayed reassuringly in close proximity to the piano, but then got distracted by one of my female colleagues, Samantha. She’s AWFUL!!! I had to endure him shamelessly flirting with her and hear her constant giggles – she’s not a schoolgirl! Halfway through the carolling, I saw him whisper something in her ear and they both left the foyer.


For 10 minutes.

Nowhere in sight.


It was a feat trying to keep things together. I can’t believe that nothing happened and that everything was perfectly innocent – I refuse to delude myself. After the carolling had finished, Brandon left me to my own devices soon after and I searched for Marcus.

It’s a weird feeling, wanting to find someone but not wanting to at the same time. I didn’t know what I would find. But I located him outside the toilets, twirling her and telling her how sexy her body was. She lapped it up like a b*tch! When he saw me, instead of looking ashamed or startled, he just asked her to give me advice on how to keep slim so he doesn’t have to waste any more money on dresses that can’t fit me. And Samantha was happy to oblige. The way they looked at each other, it was like they were sharing a secret. I smiled and tried to appear interested in her condescending comments, but I was dying inside.

Amara and Sebastian came along to the Indian restaurant in Soho. They quickly introduced themselves to us, but were a little guarded – Brandon had obviously talked to them about his unpleasant experience with Marcus. Amara looked a little uneasy.

Heck, I did too!

It seemed like Marcus was undressing her with his eyes and she couldn’t wait to leave his presence! The two hours went by agonisingly slowly as I watched Marcus who was sitting right next to me, talk to everyone except me.

I was in no mood to go to the club. I thought he would share a cab with me, but instead Marcus paid for a cab for me and went on dancing without me.

He has zapped all of my happiness. I had looked forward to my work party for so long and he had ruined it.

Poor Brandon – how will I fix things with him? I don’t want to lose his friendship!

But do I have the right to feel angry and despairing with Trainboy? After all, I did tell him we should keep things platonic, so would he really be whispering sweet nothings in my ear?

I suppose not.

He has spoilt things tonight and he has really hurt me, but it’s made me realise.

I do want his attention.

Really badly.

I crave it.

I do want to be his girlfriend.

If I showed him, proved to him that I was serious about us being together and giving our relationship a go, he wouldn’t find the need to flirt with every drop dead gorgeous female he sees. And they do like him, very much so.

He is a catch.

He chose me.

And I’m in real danger of losing him.

I’ll have to compete for him.

I did want to wait for at least a month of dating, but I don’t feel like I have a choice.

I’m still a virgin but there’s no point waiting anymore.

He has needs too and if I selfishly prolong things, he will just go elsewhere.

Which is why I’ve just left a message on his mobile promising to sleep with him as soon as possible.


Gosh, I hope I’ve made the right decision.

I hope everything works out.


Will our Diary Writer reconsider her plan to lose her virginity to Marcus? Find out in Chapter 20…


  • Is our Diary Writer’s fear of losing Marcus after his despicable behaviour a reasonable reason to lose her virginity to him?

Missed some? Catch up here:

Chapter 1   *   Chapter 2   *   Chapter 3   *   Chapter 4   *   Chapter 5   *   Chapter 6   *   Chapter 7   *   Chapter 8   *   Chapter 9   *   Chapter 10   *   Chapter 11   *   Chapter 12   *   Chapter 13   *   Chapter 14   *   Chapter 15   *   Chapter 16   *   Chapter 17   *   Chapter 18

Credits: Original Picture by GraphicStock

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