Unhappy woman in an abusive relationship

11th December 2016

I. Feel. So. Dreadful.

And so weak! It’s a good thing it’s a Sunday cos otherwise I would have to be on sick leave. I hardly had any energy to swing my legs out of bed. By sheer force of will I summoned the strength to do one Shaun-T T25 video (the simplified version). Doing two would have been too much for my poor body to bear. To make matters worse, I’m pretty sure I’ve bruised my ribs, so the pain and discomfort is only going to intensify in the coming weeks.

I phoned Marcus and let him know how I felt. He was quite annoyed, actually and it seemed like he was blaming me for his mistake! I didn’t ask for such a grand gesture. I’ve asked him to provide me with the details of the place he bought the dress from so I could see if he could get a refund, in order to save him the trouble. He didn’t like that all. He said it would make him look daft and incompetent.

He finds it hard to believe that the dress fits that badly and wants to see me in it to see if I’m exaggerating.


I’m not going to humiliate myself in front of him like that!

I’ll drop it around to his place after work, so he can hopefully sort this mess out (fingers crossed!).

12th December 2016

I’m not that sexy, am I? Sometimes I really wonder what Marcus sees in me. I returned the dress to him at his flat. Elijah wasn’t there. He refused to let me leave until he saw me in it. I thought he was joking at first until he just stood at the front door with his arms crossed. He’s very stubborn!

I wasn’t about to strip in front of him (I’m not that confident!) – I changed into it in his bathroom and was reluctant to come out. And I shouldn’t have even bothered. His face was a picture – cruelly screwed up with laughter. I wanted the ground to swallow me up! He said he had no idea that I was that ‘tubby’ and that I should invest in a few personal trainer sessions to work on my shape. Everyone would think I was having his baby if we showed up to the party together.

His words really stung me, but deep down I can’t really be too mad at him because it’s what I’ve been thinking anyway. I have ideas of what I look like, but they don’t match up with my reflection in the mirror.

He’ll try and get his money back (even though he thinks it will be highly unlikely), or failing that he will give the dress to another person as a present. He didn’t say who. A relative, perhaps? Another female friend?

I hope he gets his refund.

14th December 2016

I found myself at the gym after work today with Amara and Sebastian. We tried to rope Brandon in but he was having none of it lol. I do hate the guys grunting when they are pushing weights – I swear they only do cos they think it makes them sound sexy or macho – IT’S REALLY IRRITATING!!!

I did an hour independently on the cardiovascular machines (no weights because of my ribs) and then a spin class for another hour with the others. It was okay, but I’m not that thrilled about stationary cycling – all that hard work and no change of scenery for your efforts! Marcus will be upset I didn’t use a personal trainer – oh well.

I’ve never really thought of Amara’s body before – that’s just weird! She’s really lean and she’s around a size 8. I’m like a whale next to her. I shouldn’t keep putting myself down. I’m sure the dress would look stunning on her if she had it altered slightly. Would Marcus prefer her to me when he sees her at the party?

Cut the insecure talk! I could definitely be better, but I’m not that bad and Brandon likes me just the way I am. I’m sure he would never laugh at my size the way Marcus did.

Sometimes, Trainboy is an absolute idiot! 🙁

15th December 2016

Time is running out! Marcus met me tonight on Regent Street. It looks so beautiful with all of the Christmas lights – they definitely get you into the Christmas spirit! He was supposed to be helping me choose a dress for the 20th (I’d be paying for my own clothes this time around).  We spent at least 2 hours in Debenhams on Oxford Street with him picking out dresses for me. He has great taste, but everything he picked out just didn’t suit my shape. The ill-fitting dresses, coupled with the harsh lighting in the fitting rooms ruthlessly accentuating every little imperfection and every dimple had me fighting back tears with disillusionment. I showed him a few, but judging from the disapproval and slowly creeping exasperation displayed on his face, I allowed myself to be my own fashion police in that torturous, small changing room.

He even wanted to shop in Mango. I love their clothes, but I can only get away with their tops, cardigans, jackets and coats. Anything for the lower half amounts to a shortage of material and a waste of time. l am painfully aware that Marcus would like to match with me as much as possible, and refuses to buy anything for himself until I have sorted myself out first.

I’ll have to rush out again tomorrow and/or after my last weekend practice with Brandon. We’re nearly all set so at least that’s one thing to be grateful for!


But I should be catering for my shape (as bad as it is). I’ll make an appointment to see a personal shopper as soon as possible. With any luck it will prove more fruitful. What Marcus doesn’t know won’t hurt him!! 🙂

I’ve improved on my diet. I’m eating at least 600 calories less a day, more fruit and vegetables (as raw as possible) and drinking lots and lots of water. I’ve even resorted to taking spirulina and chlorella – they taste AWFUL!! But they are superfoods and apparently help to reduce weight, and I need all the help I can get. I’m thinking about whether I should give up carbohydrates and dairy too. It will be hard but worth it if I look more attractive to others. I don’t want to let myself down.

I can’t afford for Marcus to go off of me.

Sweet dreams Diary. 🙂


Will our Diary Writer’s last minute preparations prove more fruitful? Find out in Chapter 18…


  • Is Marus trying to be helpful, or cruel???

Missed some? Catch up here:

Chapter 1   *   Chapter 2   *   Chapter 3   *   Chapter 4   *   Chapter 5   *   Chapter 6   *   Chapter 7   *   Chapter 8   *   Chapter 9   *   Chapter 10   *   Chapter 11   *   Chapter 12   *   Chapter 13   *   Chapter 14   *   Chapter 15   *   Chapter 16

Credits: Original Picture by GraphicStock

Latest posts by Nadine Grandison-Mills (see all)

Related Posts

Comments which are offensive or off-topic will be deleted.

Leave a Reply