30th November 2016
This is agonising. I haven’t actually gotten around to phoning Marcus back yet. I’ll make him wait so he knows he isn’t the one controlling things. When I contact him, I’ll make sure I’m firm and have that no nonsense, authoritative tone in my voice so he knows I’m not to be messed with. I’ve worked on myself and have changed quite a bit since we split (I really hope I have changed enough!).
But it isn’t just that. I know where Chantal is. I’ve been stalking her Facebook page lol. She’s in Liverpool at the moment, somewhere near the ACC Liverpool. I’ve visited that area before so it shouldn’t be too taxing navigating my way around. I’m working half day in the morning on Friday so I’ll go and see her afterwards. What should I say? I’ll start with sorry, obviously. It’s already been so long! She doesn’t know I’m coming, so she won’t be able to think of that many excuses to avoid me.
I can’t wait to see my friend. It’s time this sorry mess was sorted out once and for all. What should I buy her for Christmas? She adores jewellery and crystals. I’ll get her a friendship bracelet made out of rose quartz and amethyst. That would look lovely against her skin, although she be far more interested in the properties of the crystals knowing her! 🙂
2nd December 2016
Two words that don’t even come close to describe how I’m feeling.
I went all of that way to visit her and tracked her down to her new apartment which she flat shares. I felt nervous and elated ringing her doorbell. One of her flatmates answered and called her to come to the front door. She never smiled (the one thing I most wanted from her in the world!). She just wore a poker face mask.
She didn’t invite me in or give me an explanation for not entering the flat. She had me outside for the entire conversation like I was a stranger or a door-to-door salesman.
All 5 minutes of it.
SHE WASN’T INTERESTED IN WHAT I HAD TO SAY!!!
I apologised and tried to make amends but she wasn’t having any of it. I tried to explain to her that I was getting my life together and had started a new job with prospects. I tried to explain that I had broken things off with Marcus months ago. At times, for a split second, she actually looked bored, and irritated like I was a fly she wanted to swat. The occasional interchange of negative facial expressions which flickered on her pretty face was gut wrenching for me. She hardly responded at all – it was mostly one word answers and grunts. She refused to accept my present that I got engraved with her name on, saying she already had many bracelets. And then she shut the door in my face and out of my life.
WELL SCREW HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It hurts so much. It’s like a bereavement. Tears fell down my face for most of the return journey. I can’t think straight. I’ve attempted so many times tonight to block her on Facebook but I can’t bring myself to do it. I desperately want a connection with her, even if it is as superficial as Facebook. At least I can see what she is up to. This can’t be the end. I won’t accept it.
I just want her to forgive me and tell me that everything going to be alright.
I feel so lonely and useless.
I have failed.
3rd December 2016
Practice with Brandon didn’t go well. In fact it only lasted for half an hour. I broke down playing ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’. It’s my and Chantal’s favourite Christmas Carol. It was too much – bringing back memories of singing it acapella and terribly flat – pitch has always been a problem for us. I seriously don’t know why we wanted to start a group when we were younger – people would have been more inclined to pay us just to shut up!
Brandon was very kind and understanding. I poured my heart out and he listened to everything – my disastrous relationship with Marcus and how it cost me my relationship with my best friend. He’s an amazing listener – he should maybe think about becoming a counsellor, he’s that brilliant! I even showed him my picture album on my phone with all the photos with Chantal and I together, as well as Chantal’s Facebook page.
We got an Indian takeaway and he subtly tried to question me more about Marcus. What have I done? It couldn’t have been easy for him to do that. I am 100% certain he likes me a lot and cares for me, so I didn’t want to keep banging on about an ex-boyfriend (if you can call Trainboy that). He tried smiling but he looks defeated and deflated.
Since I’ve wasted a perfectly good piano practice opportunity we’ve arranged to do 3 solid hours of practice with Brandon next week. There isn’t long to go now before the performance!
But have I ruined things with him?
5th December 2016
I contacted Marcus today, on the number he phoned me on whilst at Brandon’s house. His voice did bring a smile to my face.
Diary, I know you’re probably really annoyed with me (you’d roll your eyes if you had any!), but why shouldn’t I contact him? My best friend made it quite clear she doesn’t want to know me anymore, even when I kicked Marcus out of my life, and I fear I’ve damaged my relationship with Brandon. He seems more reserved. More distant. Maybe he knew after what I told him that I would eventually re-establish contact with Trainboy – he has a sixth sense about things.
I have to move on for my own sake.
Marcus is still in love with me and wants to give things another try. I’m not ready for a full blown relationship with him though, as I really want to make sure his actions match his words. As much as I really do want to make a go of things, I have told him that I would rather remain friends at the moment and perhaps take things slowly from there.
There was a long period of silence after I uttered those words. I wasn’t sure how he would take it. But when he did speak he was elated – I could hear his smile down the phone.
He said he could handle being friends. Anything else would be a bonus!
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Can manipulators really change?
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