21st April 2016
Sorry Diary. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything else last night. My heart is completely shattered into tiny shards. I have lost my boyfriend and I’ve been completely humiliated in front of my friends. They are trying to give me some space – I didn’t see them at breakfast.
My head is still pounding from all the screaming I did and my voice is hoarse – I was screeching like a banshee! I feel like I’m raging against the whole world at the minute. What sort of power does he command that he is able to make me feel so inferior?
Marcus has completely spoilt my Bath trip – he’s taken a huge wrecking-ball to it! He’s got off scot free and smelling of roses – to everyone in the hotel, I’m the one who verbally attacked Marcus and his new woman for no good reason. Maybe I should have spent more time with him – if I had attended to him, he wouldn’t have felt the need to go elsewhere. That’s what she said, at any rate. I had to be restrained by Perry and Rae – I flew at her when she made that ridiculous comment! That b*tch left, although not before caressing his arm in front of me and giving him a sympathetic glance.
As if he’s the victim!
As if I’m some sort of lunatic!
I am morphing into somebody I do not recognise, like or respect. I don’t act this way! Marcus hasn’t even come around to explain himself – would he have slept with her if I hadn’t caught them?
Has he anyway?
I’ve spent the day wandering aimlessly around by myself with bloodshot eyes outside of the hotel, too embarrassed to return inside and show my face in the public areas after last night’s spectacle.
One thing is certain. MARCUS IS A DANGER TO MY SANITY.
I’m on my own. I can’t confide in my family – they don’t even know I was stupid enough to invite him – and I’m not going to ruin Rae and Perry’s holiday anymore than I already have.
I need Chantal.
I wish she was here.
I was startled out of sleep by Marcus banging on my door. I wouldn’t have let him in, but the way he was carrying on, he would have awoken the whole corridor. It took a lot of willpower, not to seek him out today and demand answers, and I was curious as to his justifications for his behaviour.
He didn’t look remorseful at all – rather smug in fact. I didn’t say anything – I think he was expecting me to fly into a rage again. After a few minutes of silence, he eventually spoke. Silently.
And I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
He wants me to prove his love to him by sleeping with him. He has needs and if he can’t get it from me, he’ll go elsewhere. And he’s proved that already.
So he didn’t come down here to spend quality time with me, like I had hoped.
I should have seen this coming.
He’s fed up of waiting and is surprised that I didn’t even broach the subject before. Why would I even consider it after what he’s done?!
He says that my lack of response can only mean this – that I’m a frigid virgin even in my 30s and that with no experience, I would be completely useless. He refuses to wait any longer for me, especially when all I’ll end up doing is lying there, like an inanimate receptacle.
It took all my strength to fight back the river of tears that threatened to cascade down my face. The taste of copper filled my mouth.
Without saying a word, I opened the door and gestured for him to leave. He left without even a second glance.
But I could hear him, on the other side – he was arranging to see that whore in his hotel room.
Deliberately in earshot!
My tongue is sore and swollen from biting it. It keeps bleeding.
I’m so depressed. How has my life turned out so wrong???
22nd April 2016
I met Rae and Perry at breakfast. At least they’ve got one with their holiday – for that I’m extremely thankful. Marcus was there with that b*tch, feeding each other fruit, and seeming all loved-up like they were on their honeymoon. I must have been the butt of their jokes – they would look over at me and laugh.
I feel like nothing.
I feel like less than nothing.
He is right – I am a virgin. And he has no right to make me feel dirty or inadequate for being one!
I’ve waited so long for the right person – I hoped against all hope that he was the special person I would experience my first time with. Somewhere deep inside, I must have known it wasn’t him. So what if I have high standards? I shouldn’t feel pressured into doing anything I don’t want to do!
Besides, if he has treated me so badly before, will his treatment of me suddenly improve after sex?
I highly doubt it.
Maybe I should have forgone the Stonehenge trip, but what would have been the point? He’s not interested in spending time with me sightseeing or just being in my company! He had the whole of yesterday to beg my forgiveness and try to make amends, yet he only came to my door to issue me with an ultimatum.
Chantal was wise in her judgement of him, and I cut her out of my life for it.
I’ve got to pack now – I’ve got to checkout in half an hour.
It was sad saying goodbye to Rae and Perry. I don’t want them to say anything to Chantal but I hope they do. Hopefully she’ll take pity on me and extend an olive branch. I miss my best friend.
I don’t know how he managed to find me on the train, but he did and sat right beside me before I could react.
The audacity – I could have swung for him!
I attempted to leave but he restrained my hand – that hurt! He apologised when he saw me wince, and was smiling. Some females who were boarding the train were trying their best to catch his attention, and didn’t he know it – good luck to them!
To the outside world it looked like we were a happy couple and he was whispering romantic things in my ear. It’s funny how things can be the complete opposite – it’s a topsy turvy world we live in!
He whispered that he knows I am virgin. At my age I am supposed to be experienced and no man wants someone without experience, no matter how gorgeous they are – they just aren’t worth the hassle. However, he ‘would be prepared to teach [me] to make me a better catch’.
What does he think I am – a fish???
Or his student????
Am I supposed to be grateful to him for his offer???
I got up before he had the chance to grab my arm again, and found another seat in another carriage far away from him.
It’s good to be home.
I want the madness to stop!
Train boy has wasted far too much of my time and cost me valuable opportunities and a friendship. It’s time to get my life back on track.
MEANWHILE…JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION…
- Why is Marcus’ attempts to pressurise our Diary Writer into sex, wrong?
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